Guest: Inner Beauty Series

I wanted to personally introduce my new guest blogger, Kit who is one of my dearest friends (in real life).  She is a survivor on so many levels and I’m really excited about her new monthly series, Inner Beauty.  Kit’s articles will focus on healing and forgiveness through the pain of loss, abuse, anxiety, stress, eating disorders and overcoming fear.  My friend is not a professional counselor, but she is a wife, adoptive mom, and friend who wants to boldly talk about subjects that can hinder our Inner Beauty.  Kit would love to hear your comments and will respond right here on my blog.

By the time I was 6 years old, I was one of millions of young girls who would fall victim to the hideousness of sexual abuse.  As a victim of any form of sexual abuse, it is natural to want revenge.  We want someone to pay for the robbery committed to our bodies – to our souls.  When justice is not served – that energy, that focus on the pain turns to seething anger.  I’ve walked that road.  Anger turned inward became a frightening journey that took years for me to escape.  My struggle with an eating disorder was a symptom of the much deeper pain of sexual abuse.  It was a silent, agonizing scream that I couldn’t seem to release.  Confusion, insecurity, worthlessness, and shame were the cloaks I wore and they weighed heavy on my shoulders.

For much of my life – I felt the suffocating affects of my abuse in the form of gripping fear — fear of losing a parent, fear of my car flying off the side of a cliff, or fear of being buried in an earthquake.  Anxiety about simple things like walking into a crowded gymnasium, anxiety about my appearance, or the anxiety in trying to please others has consumed my life.  I have trusted very few people and this only worsened once I was married and began a family of my own.   My children were barely allowed out of my sight.  Our oldest daughter didn’t attend summer camp until she was in junior high school!  I was terrified something dark would happen to her.

This fear and panic confused me as a young girl and pushed me further into the clutches of an eating disorder as a teen and young adult.  The horror that was locked inside my soul could not be expressed in words.  Lies and betrayal were paramount to the fear of trusting adults and this upheaval felt like an emotional cistern – threatening to burst and take me under for good.  The coping tools I used as a young girl and young teen provided a sense of security and self protection, however, they enabled me to cope without facing the bigger issues in my life.  An eating disorder allows emotions to be expressed – indirectly, though, and without resolution.

At 52 years old now, I am a woman who has walked a road you may be walking.  Perhaps you think no one has ever felt or struggled as deeply as you have inside.  I know that feeling!  As a recovering victim of sexual abuse, my journey toward healing and wholeness has become a priority in my life.  I worked hard to find the right therapy, rehabilitation centers, and other resources that would allow God to become my foundation for healing – that allowed Him to become my coping tool.  He is unshakable.  Nothing we bring to Him is too much for Him to handle.  In Matthew 11:27-29 he promises, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  The enemy may continue to try to shake your world and shove you into a pit – but the Lord, our God, is truly unshakable and unsinkable.  Don’t allow Satan to rob you any longer of the desire and fortitude to continue this journey called recovery.  There is no pit so low that His arm cannot reach you there.  I promise you – sweet freedom awaits you on the other side!

“But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand.  The victim commits herself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.  Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; call him to account for his wickedness that would not be found out.”  Ps. 10:14-15

Your sister on this journey,

Kit

You can leave Kit a comment or email her privately at khoeck@suddenlink.net.  She will continue her Inner Beauty Series monthly here at My Crazy Adoption.