What Do You Think About Open Adoption?

I live in a house full of boys (even the dog!), but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our oldest son is 4½ and our newest addition is not quite 3 months of age.  We were present in the delivery rooms of both of our sons, and brought them each home from the hospital. Each adoption was completely different, though in both we have open relationships with the boys’ birth families.
We chose to have to pursue open adoption for a variety of reasons. When we started thinking about adoption we had no idea what open adoption was and assumed all kinds of things – the birth parents would still have some kind of parenting role in the baby’s life; the baby would be confused about who his/her “real” parents were; seeing the baby would make the birth parents want to take him/her back; etc… You see, we were thinking of our children as OURS, hubby’s and mine, like possessions. But they’re not. Way before they were part of our family, they were part of other families who loved (still do love) them. And, in my opinion, by having no further contact with those other families, we’re trying to pretend that they didn’t exist, or at least like they don’t matter. But those other families are the only reason these phenomenal kids exist. Also, they know parts of the boys’ stories that I don’t know, parts that I think they have a right to know.
What we learned in our adoption classes is that continued contact (in some form) is actually beneficial in the child’s development, and in helping the birth family heal. Kids do have questions as they get older – who do I look like, do other people in my family have certain characteristics or talents, does anyone else in my family have a history of asthma, and biggest of all, why did they choose to make an adoption plan? These are all huge questions that I can’t answer for my boys. And while we certainly realize that so many kids who are adopted won’t be able to get these questions answered, we have the opportunity and shouldn’t we use it??!

As far as our children being confused about who their parents are, it’s simply not an issue. I’m the one who nursed them (yes, I breastfed/am breastfeeding both of our sons). We changed all of their diapers. We go camping with them. Hubby watches Dinosaur Train with them. We color together. I’m the one they call for when in the middle of the night, or when they’re sick. They came out of L’s and R’s bellies. I am Momma. Hubby is Poppa. There is no confusion.

In regards open adoption being beneficial to birth parents, think how it would feel to put your baby in someone else’s arms, walk away, and never know anything else about him/her. To look at the faces of kids as you walk down the sidewalk, and wonder “is that her?”. To think, “I wonder what they’ve told him about me?”. To want to know what your kid looks like. Some people have said to me that birth parents loose the right to those answers when they “give up their babies”.

That’s an important distinction – birth parents (in the vast majority of cases) don’t “give up their babies”, they make a plan for them. They choose whether they’re ready/in the position to parent their children, or whether it would be in their/the baby’s best interest for someone else to do it. And this is another benefit of an open adoption – the birth family chooses the family who will adopt their child. This is an active choice; it’s not simply giving up. This decision is being a parent, in a different way. It’s a heart-wrenching, difficult decision not made lightly. And, I think, if I can do anything to make it easier for them (like the simple act of visiting every once in awhile, calling, sending pictures, etc…), then I should. Because as a human being, it is my job to do what I can to ease others’ suffering. If I can’t feel some empathy and love towards the people who gave my children life, then I am a poor excuse of a human being. It’s about them knowing that their children are ok, are loved. They have a right to that.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely do NOT believe in open adoption out of some sense of guilt (and nor do I believe it is the only way adoption should be done – as a social worker, I know there are situations where it isn’t the right thing for anyone involved). I don’t feel guilty that I’m raising these amazing children and they aren’t. Both boys’ birth families made an informed decision about what they thought was best. I AM absolutely and completely grateful for them. And I love them for the spectacular gift they’ve given us. I want to help and support them in whatever way I can.
We have different relationships with each of the boys’ birth families.  With my older son, we saw his birth family regularly throughout his first 2-3 years, and they then disappeared.  I grieve the loss of that relationship though we are hopeful they will resurface in the future.  With our youngest son, he is so young, and the relationship is so new, that I have no idea what will become of it.  As of right now, we see his birth mother almost weekly.  It is by no means easy, watching her grieve the loss of her child. My hope is that by seeing him so surrounded by our love, and by us all navigating a new kind of relationship with her, it will ease her suffering and allow her to be in all of our lives.  There is also a feeling whenever she looks at him of someone else claiming my child, which is difficult for me to sit with. I remind myself that he is also her child, and she does have some claim to him. I am still Momma.
Open adoption is a gift. It is a gift to our sons, to know where they came from.  It is a gift to the birth families, to know who their sons are becoming.  In many ways, the biggest gift is for us, as parents. It is hard some days, but we know, in the long run, it is better for us all.