Fostering a New Perspective

I guess I really should have entitled this, “Fostering: A New Perspective,” but I actually like the wording BOTH ways. My thoughts about fostering – and the changes that have taken place in my heart – could never have been predicted.
“I could never do what you do.”
“I would get too attached.”
“I would not want to give them back.”
“I would be afraid the kids would be too messed up by the time I got them.”
“I would be heartbroken.”
“I would worry about them when/if they went back to their birth family.”
“I would be afraid the judge would make a bad decision and take them from me.”
On November 5, 2009, we picked up a precious little boy from a Chicago hospital who was only 5 days old. He has been with us for over 13 months now. I believe I held him at arm’s length emotionally in the beginning. My husband brought it to my attention just after Christmas last year. He said I was going through the motions of caring for this baby and “loving” on him…but not really embracing him in my heart. I knew this was true to some extent – but I had no idea it was evident to anyone but me. After all, it was a defense mechanism…and wasn’t I smart to “play it that way?”
On a cold day in January 2010, our little man’s bio mom took off with him during a visit with the case worker. It was bitterly cold in the city of Chicago that day when she left with nothing more than a car seat cover and a diaper bag with an afternoon’s worth of diapers and formula. No blanket, no coat, no hat, no mittens.  NO ME! The case worker panicked…but, I did not. I knew where the bio mom would surface and I found her several hours later. The agency director convinced her to bring her baby back into the program and he was tucked in bed back at our house by 8:00 that night. I stared at his peaceful sleeping face and let him flood my heart…100%.
I lost him, God gave him back…and I was blessed with a sense of peace through it all. I now knew something in my heart so strongly that my head could not help but follow: He was worth the risk!
Yes, it will break my heart if he ever leaves. Yes, it can be messy to deal with bio moms and social workers and judges and state’s attorneys and public aid workers and doctors and the public in general. Yes, I am “too” attached. Yes, it will affect my biological children deeply if they have to say goodbye. Yes, he is worth it.
We are watching him grow. We are loving him. We are showing his mom we care when we do not “have” to.  We are showing our friends, neighbors and co-workers that we try to live out what we claim to believe. We are investing in this child. We are blessed by him! He makes us laugh. He loves us. We have given him something solid and safe to attach to at the very beginning of his life. We want the best for him and we have to believe God does, too.
When our first foster child went back to his mom and it was not an improved situation – different, but not better – my mom asked me how I could do it. I told her I could NOT do it if I did not truly believe God loves him FAR more than I ever could and He has a plan for his life…even if that plan makes no sense to me.
We erroneously believe our biological children are OURS.  They belong to God. They are on loan to us. They can be taken from us at any moment.  (I know that is something we try not to think about and we should NEVER consider admitting! Not out loud, at least…) If I can unreservedly jump in and love my bio kids wholeheartedly from the very start – knowing there is great risk in getting so attached, loving so deeply and completely – why not with these little guys, too? I believe God loves me enough to take me through any pain that may come. Like these children, he loves ME far more than I can imagine.
I helped my children say good-bye to our first foster baby by asking them to imagine who God would send next. Would He send a boy or a girl? What color? How old? What would the child’s name be and how long would he or she stay? The excitement of what lie ahead helped ease the pain of letting go.
I believe that is what God wants. He wants us to do the hard stuff. He wants us to bother to get involved in messy lives…to make them better…even if just a little. He wants us to look ahead to what’s next, to what really matters.
I realized early on that all my “reasons” for hesitating to get involved like this started with “I.” Some of them are listed above in the beginning of this article. But…it’s not about me. If I honestly want to live like Christ, my life needs to be about others first. His life was not about “I” statements or concerns. He made the ultimate sacrifice for others, whether or not they appreciated it…certainly not because they deserved it.
I have a friend who has fostered over 50 children and she is unbelievably young. Some she has adopted, some she would have kept forever – but they went home or on to extended family, and some she knew she needed to give up voluntarily for their sake and in the best interest of her own family. She shared the insight below with me today and I found it very insightful. (I cried and that is not too common! Okay, I will be honest…I cry EVERY time I read it.) I hope you will hear the heart of my friend and the amazing woman who raised HER. When we care for the children of other mothers, we show the world the love of Christ and we set a loving example for our own children. I want my children to love sacrificially like this.
“The best thing I was ever told was something my mom said to me when I brought over our first foster baby for her to say goodbye. She was SO special and after 8 months we had all grown extremely attached. My mom never cries and she sat there rocking little Cleopatra with tears streaming down her face. Then she made prints of her hands and feet. I’ll never forget what she said to me. ‘If you hadn’t done this someone else would be feeling this pain right now, someone else would be holding her right now and saying goodbye to her and we would have never had her. Somebody has to do this! Why not us, why not my daughter?’ I knew it was her way of saying how proud she was of me despite the deep pain it caused her. Yes, somebody has to do it. Why not ME?”
If not us, then who?

Lori Balam Smith, mother of 5 bio kids, foster mom to revolving door of little ones!
www.doingitafraid.org
www.emptyhandsfullhearts.blogspot.com