Feelings: Alike And Different

Hi!  My name is Kim (mom to three amazing kids ages 5, 6, and 7) and I am super excited to share this post as part of Kari’s guest posts while she is away.  If you’ve read my blog you know that I love sharing our story so that others know they are not alone in this journey.  Adoption is a wonderful blessing but can be difficult at times.  I find that it’s easier to get through the difficult times if you know you are not alone.  This is one of those posts I wrote a while back in hopes that others might know they are not alone. If you would like to follow on our journey you are always welcome!  www.ablissfulheart.blogspot.com

Feelings:  Alike and Different

We often get questions about adoption and recently through an email conversation with someone who is interested in adoption and our story I got asked about my feelings toward my children since one is by birth and two by adoption.  This person also has a child by birth and has questions about how she might feel toward children she would adopt.  Will it be different?  Will her responses to the children be the same?  I assured her that these questions are very normal and I along with several other families whom we know that are similar to our situation have questioned those same things.

So what about our feelings ……… my feelings specifically.  I can’t speak for other families but I can share our experiences.  My short answer would be, “they are the same and they are different.”

Some examples of the same………

• A desire to protect and provide safety:  with all my children no matter which way they came to me I have a desire to protect them.  New situations they encounter worry me and I want to know that they will be safe and not afraid.  I see them doing something dangerous and no matter which child they are I am right there to direct and guide and keep them safe.
• A desire for them to be happy:  no matter which of the three …. my heart is happy when they are happy.  I love seeing them have fun, experiencing joy and being free from life’s worries.

There are times, however, that it’s different.  J came into our lives almost 8 years ago by birth. I carried her for 9 months and for almost 8 years now have met her needs, provided safety and security, laughed and played with her, etc.  There is something about when she sits in my lap where she and I both melt into each other.  Our hearts beat at the same pace, she completely relaxes into me and fully trusts.  It’s an amazing thing.  I would have to say that we’re not “trying” at the relationship with Jenna, it just is…. if that makes sense.

With S & A the relationship doesn’t just happen.  It’s what I would call work in progress.  I think a common misconception of families who adopt is “love at first sight” or that “it just is” feeling that I mentioned above that we have with our biological daughter.  We did love them from the minute we saw their referral pictures and the moment we met them was equally as special as the moment J was put into my arms for the first time, but truth be told we quickly realized we were all just strangers to each other who had been thrown into living together. It takes a while for strangers to get to know one another, become close and enjoy each other.

If I am being truthfully honest this stranger issue….. puts a barrier between us at times.  I don’t always know what they need and they don’t always come to us when they need something.  They’re learning how to trust us and we’re learning to read their cues.  Have I missed a few of those cues?  Absolutely!  That doesn’t mean I love them less – it just means I am still getting to know them.

Love takes time to grow and develop.  I struggled with that the first year we were home.  I desperately want to love A & S as I love J but I have had 8 years to develop my relationship with J.  It’s bound to be different…. how could it not be.  I had to cut myself some slack and allow love to grow between all of us. I continually pray for God to join our hearts and bring our relationship with S & A to that “just is” place.  The bible says, he knows the desires of my heart and promises to give those to me when I delight in him.

I have to say this too about my feelings for A & S….. It has completely put me in a place of seeing just how gracious my God is.  We are all adopted into God’s family when we accept Jesus Christ as our savior and Lord.  I first hand know the struggles now to find feelings for a child who is not biologically mine.  I have failed miserably at times in my search for feelings.  A specific example:  one of the kids fell outside and I wasn’t as sympathetic as I could have been.  Truth is I would have handled it differently with J.  I became aware instantly of that feeling and felt as though I had failed in that moment.  But God NEVER fails in his love for us.  I am grafted in to God’s family just as A & S are grafted into our family.  God NEVER fails to pick me up when I fall down and his feelings for me are perfect in every way.  I was never fully aware of that until he took me down this adoption journey and I realized how difficult it can be at times to love even when you want to with all you have.

I have no doubt in my mind that somewhere down the road my relationship with S & A will be at that “just is” place that I have with J. Until then we just keep growing. It’s amazing how far we’ve come. Home almost two years and I’ve already learned so much about my children. I am eager to see what feelings and emotions come for my children after another two years!

Be blessed!
Kim’s Blog: www.ablissfulheart.blogspot.com